I think in part the reason I'm feeling this push to really tackle writing (whether finishing the book or advancing somem poetry-writing) right now, right this moment, here, in the midst of every other stress and despite the fact that putting the pressure to do so on myself is probably contributing to the stress, is because so much else is completely out of my ability to change. So many things.
I can't make someone buy the house. I can't make a bank willing to give us a mortgage. I can't find a house where we're moving to that's within our anticipated budget that doesn't make me exhausted at all the work involved in making it ok to live in. I can't make it so my husband is home more.
I alluded to this yesterday, but to expand: my mental health needs to feel like something is going well. Or at least happening. The sale of our house is not going well. Healing my feet so I can garden and sew and be active has not happened. Finding a mortgage is not going well. Finding a future house is not happening, either. My husband continues to find additional work in the state we hope to move to (which is going well and for which, yes, I am thankful), but... that only makes his ability to be home more worse, not better.
Everything feels stalled.
So a lot of this angst, agonizing, and hand-wringing is, I think, simply a way to try to make something happen. Even if it is very tiny.